We’ve all heard the joke. It’s a classic of the genre:
"A chef created a new type of martial arts. It’s called Kung Food."
It’s a solid pun. It belongs in the Dad Joke Hall of Fame right next to "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad." But let’s be honest: Kung Food is for amateurs. It’s for people who still use butter knives. The modern kitchen warrior needs something sharper. Something serrated.
I’ve spent years perfecting a new discipline that combines the grace of the mats with the power of the late-night infomercial.
I am proud to officially announce: Jiu-Ginsu.
What is Jiu-Ginsu?
Jiu-Ginsu is the definitive martial art for the master chef. It is the high-stakes intersection of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and the legendary cutting power of Ginsu knives.
In Jiu-Ginsu, we don't just use "strikes." We use "slices." We don't just "grapple." We "tenderize." It is the only fighting style in the world where you can put an opponent in a triangle choke and simultaneously julienne a carrot with perfect uniformity. Our motto? "Wait! There's more... pain."
The Legend of Master Kenji (The Origin)
Legend has it that Jiu-Ginsu was developed in the late 1980s by a humble sushi chef named Master Kenji. Facing a rival gang of unruly line cooks and armed only with dull blades, Kenji retreated to the mountains with nothing but a head of iceberg lettuce and a single, serrated Ginsu knife.
The breakthrough came during the infamous "Salami Incident." Kenji was performing a rolling break-fall and accidentally dropped his knife. Instead of panicking, he used the momentum of his roll to catch the blade in mid-air and slice a falling salami into 50 paper-thin slices before he even hit the mat. He didn't just cook; he out-maneuvered the ingredients.
The Path to Mastery: The Belt System
In Jiu-Ginsu, you don’t just earn a belt; you prep it:
White Belt (The Flour Rank): You’re raw and unrefined. You "knead" a lot of help.
Yellow Belt (The Lemon Rank): You’ve developed a sharp wit, but your technique is still sour.
Blue Belt (The Blue-Rare Rank): You have potential, but you’re still cold in the middle.
Purple Belt (The Red Onion Rank): Your moves make your opponents cry just by looking at them.
Brown Belt (The Roux Rank): Your defense is thick, rich, and impossible to break through.
Black Belt (The Burnt Toast Rank): You’ve been through the fire, you’re tough as nails, and you’re impossible to scrape off the mat.
⚔️ THE TRAINING MANUAL (Secret Techniques)
The Serrated Spinning Heel Kick: Leaves the opponent perfectly sliced into medallions.
The Julianne-Bar: A classic armbar that also strips the opponent’s sleeve into matchsticks.
The Pressure Cooker Clutch: A bear hug that tenderizes the opponent until they "pop."
The Ginsu Guillotine: A headlock that stays sharp even if you've recently cut through a muffler.
📜 THE DOJO CODE OF CONDUCT
Clean Station, Clean Mind: Wipe down the mat after every takedown.
No Double Dipping: One submission per opponent. Greed is for the buffet line.
The Six-Payment Rule: Tuition must be paid in full or in six easy installments of $19.95.
Presentation is Everything: Gi must be starched; hairnets must be aerodynamic.
Respect the Blade: A student with a dull wit will be sent to the walk-in freezer to chill out.
Join the Dojo
We are currently looking for our first class of "Slicers" to join us at our global headquarters, The Cutting Board. Are you ready to start your journey toward the Burnt Toast belt? Let me know in the comments.
Chop chop!
Dad Joke Examples:
🔪 THE JIU-GINSU MASTER FILE
🎤 THE JOKES
The One-Liner "I’m currently a Yellow Belt in Jiu-Ginsu; I’m not dangerous yet, but I’ve got a real zest for combat."
or
"I heard a chef just created a brand-new type of martial arts. It's called Jiu-Ginsu..."
The Two-Liner "Why did the Jiu-Ginsu master get kicked out of the supermarket? Because he kept putting the rotisserie chickens in a rear-naked choke to see if they were tender."
The "Big Reveal" (The Setup & Payoff) "I heard a chef just created a brand new type of martial arts. Everyone keeps calling it Kung Food...
But he actually prefers a much more technical, 'as-seen-on-TV' style. He calls it Jiu-Ginsu. It’s the only fighting style where you can put an opponent in a joint lock, and if they don't tap out, you just slice them in half for six easy payments of $19.95!"
👤 ABOUT THE AUTHOR: The Grandmaster of Gastronomy
Robert Dawson is the visionary founder of Jiu-Ginsu, a martial art born from the heat of the line and the sharpness of serrated steel. After realizing that "Kung Food" was simply too well-done, they spent years perfecting the art of the "Submission Soufflé." When they aren't busy defending their Burnt Toast Black Belt, they can be found in the kitchen, proving that you can indeed slice a tin can in half and still have a perfectly balanced vinaigrette.
Sharp mind, sharper knives.
"Jiu-Ginsu: It slices! It dices! It puts your ego in a triangle choke! Order now and we’ll throw in a second Burnt Toast Belt—absolutely FREE!" (Just pay separate shipping and handling).
